I’m lost because of Heartstopper

Ever since I found this subreddit, I’ve been contemplating whether to post here or not, but it seems like this is a supportive community, so here it goes. I am a female in my late 20s and like many I had a revelation during the pandemic that I am bi. I was already in a serious monogamous relationship with my partner who is now my husband actually. I shared it with my then boyfriend, who didn’t react in any way, but I could see that he was afraid that I might leave him to explore my sexuality. Funny thing is, I had already explored that side of me years before I met him and only recently finally realized that I in fact like women as well. I didn’t intend to leave him. I can’t and don’t need to come out to my family. They live in another country, have several health issues and while they aren’t homophobes, I’m sure they would take it badly if they found out. The other thing is that my bisexuality is not taken seriously, because I am a married woman with a husband… Many of my friends are from the Queer community, I live in a very queer friendly city, so it’s easier to casually mention my bisexuality to friends, without it being extraordinary for anyone and without me worrying that my parents might find out.

Now Heartstopper - I binged the first season and the whole webcomics in a day when it came out last year. I was obsessed with the story, but I didn’t get this intolerable melancholy that I have happening now. I feel lost after the 2nd season. I reread the 4th book, I started reading the other books of the Osemanverse, I watch interviews with the cast and I just can’t understand why it hurts so badly.

Is it because I didn’t find out that I am queer until my late 20s? Is it because my teenage boyfriend turned out to be mentally abusive and traumatized me in a way, that I am still recovering? Is it because I envy Nick and Charlie’s love? Because love isn’t all rainbows and unicorns after you’ve known the person for so long and you live together and you are married. My husband is a very supportive partner and we love each other, but we are from two different worlds. He doesn’t get many things that matter for me and vice versa. And the thing that sits the most uncomfortable with me. I think that maybe I have a crush on Kit, which is so inappropriate because I am so much older than him. Please don’t judge me, I don’t simp over him or dream about inappropriate stuff, but as I watched the series I couldn’t stop thinking how much I wish I had a boyfriend like Kit when I was 16-17. And I am not sure if this is an okay thing to think and this stresses me as well. I cry uncontrollably because I don’t understand what is it that I am missing that this series has and I can’t define it. I AM in a good relationship, I do feel loved and supported, but then I wonder if I actually do want to explore my queerness more? Generally, is it even ok that I know I’m queer but don’t feel the need to have a big coming out. I don’t know. As the title says I’m lost and I guess I needed to tell this to someone. I can’t share it with anyone I know personally, but this seemed like an understanding community. If you want to criticize me, please be gentle. I am open to feedback, but no hate please.